Addiction Recovery

Great, He Quit Drinking – When Will He Recover? Part 2

September 25th, 2007 Filed under: Uncategorized — Addiction Recovery Author

If you are going to be actively seeking solutions, it’s good to have some support, but finding it may not be easy. You won’t find it in the traditional “families of alcoholics” settings populated by women thrilled to have him sober and out of the house, or with others who are deathly afraid to rock the boat. Many counseling professionals don’t know anything to do with women except to “process” as endlessly as “recovery” supposedly takes.

Real support will come from those who facilitate short-term, focused and active change. It will also be found among women who are attacking their dissatisfactions in alternative and non-traditional ways. Look for support in unusual places and activities. Take up strength training at a real gym, not a girly spa; head down to the gun shop and sign up for a shooting class (that’ll get someone’s attention); head off to a serious self-defense class; go whitewater rafting. Head on down to your local animal shelter and get a dog to train and trade affection with; or take community college classes in “guy” things like carpentry or auto mechanics.

Why? Not be meet guys (darn), but because this helps break our tendency to process rather than “do” stuff. You know what I mean – we love to sit around and talk about our problems, and talk and talk and talk and we rarely do or fix anything. Or, we take a class in “journaling” which is just processing on paper, again without doing much to fix the situation. When you go do some “guy” things, you will not spend much time processing, but actively doing and learning. The women you meet will be those who like doing stuff. And doing stuff is both an empowering and a depression-avoiding prescription.

I’m my own good example. I joined a real gym, hired a smart, strong, woman trainer and consequently, I much stronger and healthier, feel safer, and I am empowered and happier. Feeling this way, I can better handle the problems life throws at me and I can also pursue opportunities that previously would have frightened me.

So now you are saying “so what” I feel better and I’m doing stuff but he is still going to endless AA meetings. The answer isn’t predictable, but as you actively develop your own life, you will have less need for him to complete your life and more opportunities to find fulfillment through other interests. And as your life becomes more interesting, perhaps he will also become interested in alternatives to endless meetings.

That’s the hope and the strategy is two-pronged: make yourself and your life more interesting regardless of what he chooses and prepare yourself for a renewed marriage if he becomes capable.

It is scary. Plotting an unpredictable course into your future takes nerve and the willingness to let the results unfold. That’s a lot of control even false control to give up. But it is also taking back control of yourself, for yourself and taking it back from his obsessions with alcohol and recovery.

Regardless of the various outcomes, you will find that actively developing skills is self-enhancing in any case. You will be more independent, more confident, more capable, and more attractive to yourself and others. Your dependence on your current situation will ease and your expectations will increase as experiences grow. Life will get better if you allow it to.