Benzodiazepine Dependency & Withdrawal – When What You Don’t Know Hurts
October 26th, 2008 Filed under: Uncategorized — Addiction Recovery AuthorOur wedding day could not have come soon enough. I was excited and totally unaware that an “adventure” of another kind was about to unfold. It all began in the summer of 1997 when, after being commitment phobic throughout my 20s and early 30s, I gave in to the incessant ticking of my biological clock and started saying affirmations to meet my “wonderful, kind, loving, attractive husband”. I was finally ready to settle down. My affirmations worked and a few weeks later Dylan strolled into my local health food store and into my charmed life. On Valentine’s Day 1998 he proposed.
Just one glitch before the hitch
But there was a problem: for most of my life I had had a twitchy ‘quirk’ with my right eye and it bothered me… no one else it seemed… just me. I became more distracted by the tics as I grew older and explored every possible alternative and complementary treatment in an attempt to relieve them but to no avail. As Dylan and I planned our wedding I knew I had to find at least a temporary cure; I was adamant not to let the tics ruin the day. And this is why I went to see my doctor on that fateful spring morning in 1998.
He prescribed clonazepam, a drug I had not heard of before and had no clue was used as a tranquilliser or that there were dependency issues. It helped the tics initially, reducing them to a few or sometimes none daily and I was elated. I had found the miracle cure.
Tolerance and the first taste of withdrawal
My euphoria was short-lived as the tics soon returned, but this time more frequently and intensely. I stopped taking the medication once I realised it was no longer effective but had frightening involuntary movements a few days later and so ended up taking it again. The fitting stopped. I thought I’d developed a form of epilepsy or other movement disorder when I had in fact developed a tolerance (when more of the drug is needed to be effective) and by quitting cold turkey had had what was my first withdrawal reaction.
I ended up taking the medication through repeat prescriptions for another 7-plus years and for most of that time was in tolerance withdrawal, always having obscure complaints and minor ailments/withdrawal symptoms.
The fog descends
During the earlier years on the medication life was relatively normal and I worked hard within the voluntary sector, continued counselling and also did clinical psychotherapy training. But gradually everything became a blur: the brain fog descended on my brain, I became lethargic, emotionally anaesthetised, spaced out and absent-minded. Despite eating healthily and exercising, my weight gradually ballooned out of control (which baffled me). I made unsound judgements with dire consequences but did not, at that time, make any link with the drug.
When my memory began to be affected and the brain fog became too severe, for ethical reasons and in the interest of my clients, I gave up counselling and went to do a less demanding but well-paying job. I had a feeling of foreboding and was generally unwell but still had no idea that this was in any way related to the medication.
Finally, an answer
In an effort to regain control of my life, I started searching for answers and found the “Ashton Manual” written by Professor Heather Ashton, Professor of Clinical Psycho-pharmacology at the University of Newcastle upon Tyne, England. It contained the most invaluable information on benzodiazepines and how to withdraw and I recall the tears gently rolling down my cheeks as I finally made the link between my challenges and drug. I quickly printed the manual and took it to my doctor the following morning.
Not ever having had any type of psychological problem, I dismissed many of the symptoms listed as being only likely to occur in people who had anxiety or depression as pre-existing conditions. I had no preconceptions of what withdrawal would be like. When I became ill during my taper I ended up having to give up work, losing my home as a result. By this time my marriage to Dylan had already ended; every area of my life was affected.
Throes of withdrawal
As I weaned off the drug during the summer of 2005, the withdrawal symptoms began to surface. I did not resist and used meditation, positive self-talk, affirmations, emotional freedom techniques (EFT), diaphragmatic breathing and every other coping strategy I was aware of while I observed what was happening to my mind and body. I could not sleep, eat, every part of my body hurt, tingled, twitched, my perception was distorted – I was “seeing and feeling things”, dizzy, my senses were heightened, my eyes were glazed and glassy, I had abdominal pains with vomiting and diarrhea and just about every other withdrawal symptom conceivable. If I had not had this experience I would not have believed it possible for a prescribed drug to wreak such havoc.
Windows and waves
By late February 2006, I had my first window of clarity: a brief period during which the brain fog lifted and many symptoms subsided. It was my first glimpse of the long forgotten lucidity that would return with recovery. The pattern of intermittent waves of symptoms and these welcome windows of clarity continued with the waves gradually becoming shorter and the windows lasting longer. I began my taper around May 2005 and withdrawal ended in December of 2007. For much of this time, apart from having to cope with the waves of dizziness, nausea and other symptoms, my memory was badly impaired and I kept a notebook with my address, NI number, the day the rubbish was collected and other important information. I felt like someone suffering from early onset dementia.
Recovery and a new beginning
I haven’t had a wave of symptoms since last December and now consider myself fully recovered despite having two residual symptoms – hearing distortion and spasms which I consider to be the final fine-tuning/tweaking of my nervous system. Daily, as my cognitive faculties are improving and my clarity is sharpening, I am beginning to realise that I was much more unwell during the tolerance years than I had first thought, and so I am extremely thankful that I am now benzo-free. Life is good again. To have my cognitive faculties back was worth every minute of withdrawal and I am still in awe of how resilient and self-healing our bodies are.
Withdrawal is temporary
If you are in the process of discontinuing a benzodiazepine, please be assured that any withdrawal effects that you may be experiencing are temporary (even if it persists for much longer than anticipated). Also, remember that not everyone has such severe and protracted symptoms. The key is to be patient, accept that your nervous system is in a hyper-excitable state but only temporarily, release any resistance and be gentle with yourself.
Enduring a challenging and/or protracted withdrawal can be empowering. I genuinely believe that nothing in life can phase me now – a sense of near-invincibility. You’ve survived benzo withdrawal? You can survive anything!
For tips on coping well with benzodiazepine withdrawal, uplifting insights, logs of my journals from dependency to recovery and other useful resources including links to benzo-related websites, please visit http://www.benzowise.com
