Addiction Recovery

In sitting here writing this article today, this will be one of the toughest articles I have ever written since I started writing articles this summer. Why you might ask? It is a part of my past that I thought I would never see again in my present nor did I ever think I would talk about it in the future. However, I am so glad to be writing this article as it reminds me daily that we all can change our lives for the better if we choose to make a change. What I am talking about is the power of addiction. This article is not designed to glorify addiction or make people pass judgment against those who fight every day to live a life free from their addictions. Instead I am writing this article today to help you see what addiction looks like through my personal eyes.

For those who personally know me they would have never guessed that I was addicted to anything as I was always happy go lucky and tried to make others happy. Isnt that how it always is? Arent we always trying to help those outside of ourselves why we silently cry within? For me, my personal addiction from my past was never designed to be an addiction. It really was a cover up for what I feared the most and that was being successful. I never wanted to outshine anyone around me as I didnt want to lose my friends. I would always settle for less just so I could fit in with everyone elseyou know being with the in crowd. Well my desire to claim failure as my friend led to a lifes journey filled with masquerade balls of being someone who I was not. I was everyones pal and my very own foe. I hated my life as I felt like there was nothing I could do to please anyone. I found myself to be harder on me more than anyone around me but I never saw it that way. I felt alone and so I turned to the alcohol they called rock gut.

Anyone who has experienced alcohol knows that white alcohol is know as rock gut because it goes down the harshest and absorbs the fastest compared to the smooth tasting brown liquor. Once again, I am not glorifying alcohol but showing you how it impacted my personal life. Alcohol became my closest friend while I was in college as I felt like there was nothing going on with my life. I wasnt getting invited to the parties without my friends nor was I making friends. I felt like a complete loser but no one around me would know it as I never wanted to see them cry. I can think of several occasions when I would go out social drinking and would never get drunk. It got so bad for me that I told myself that I had a genetic coding in my DNA that made me not get drunk. Alcohol was the one thing I had never failed at as it never took hold of my life or so I thought.

Well, when alcohol became boring and things were getting harder, I began having thoughts of suicide. I felt like the one thing (my drinking) that would fix me during the toughest times in my life bailed on me. I felt like if the bottle didnt care about me then why should I care about myself. I was trapped in a web so thick that even a spider would not be able to spin out of it. I had no clue why I was still on this earth but knew that there was a purpose for my existence. I just needed to take the time to focus less on my failures and other people and focus more on me.

That day finally came in December 2001. I had finally taken the time to renew my faith in God and find my purpose. I was placed in a situation where I had gotten a free drink at this Christmas party while I was home in the Virgin Islands. I got my usual drink and I watched it like there was no tomorrow. The only thing I could hear was a little sip wont kill you. Its not like you are going to pay for anymore, right? So I took that first sip and kept on sipping. However as I was discussing with the individuals I was sitting with about my new found faith and outlook on life, I stopped in the middle of my conversation and realized that I only had a few drops left in my cup while they each had left. I immediately stopped drinking and asked God to forgive me as I had failed at my commitment to Him and myself. Instead of feeling guilty as I would in the past, I felt liberated. This was the first time I had ever admitted that I had a problem and wanted to change. It is through that desire to see change (as there are times when I would love to get a bottle and go to town) within me that I am now able to say that I have not had a drink in almost six years (December 2007). I have never felt better in my life as I made the change for me and not for anyone or anything else.

Finally, we all have something that we may clearly identify as being an “addiction.” The one lesson I have learned through my own personal addiction is that my addiction does not control me nor does it define me. I am my own person and I deserve to live well. It is through my commitment to live a life free from my PAST addictions that I am able to live free every day. Seek support through your church, family, support groups wherever you may find people who will support you and not reject you based on your addiction. It will save your life for the better as it saved mine. So take the first step and make a commitment to yourself today to live your life as it was meant to beADDICTION FREE.

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