Addiction Recovery

I drowned when I was two years old.

My sister who was five at the the time found me floating face down in the pool, screaming for my Mother to come help her. My Mother to this day has no idea how I fell in, because there was nothing available for me to use to climb the pool walls to fall in. But I know how

Determination.

When I get an idea, make a decision, discover what I want.

Nothing stops me.

When I was a full-time Heroin addict I had to find and create a multitude of schemes and scams to ensure that I had the money to use every day. My habit was up to 2 bundles a day which roughly equals $200.oo per day; the price I had to pay in order to avoid becoming dope sick.

Every morning I would wake up and throw up all over the bathroom floor.; sweating, dry heaving and shaking my mind would begin its daily routine of brainstorming for the ways to make money for that day . Within the five seconds it would take to bring me back to normal functioning status after sliding the needle into my vein . I had a plan of action for that day.

I had to drive to Brooklyn to get my Drugs. It was roughly 60 miles from where I lived about an hours drive straight in. Between point A of my home and point B of the pick up spot, I had would make the neccesary money I needed.

There was always a new idea, a new way, another stream of cash to take cool relaxing dip into. I always found a way get what I wanted and it all went straight into my arm and into my bloodstream.

When I finally got clean I would tell people of some of the insane things I did while in the grips of my addiction. Laughing, I swore that if God himself manifested before me to try and stop me in the midst of one of these missionshe himself would have been powerless againt my absolute determination to use no matter what.

When you live a lifestyle dictated by the ways of the street you miss out on the lessons that life offers to the rest of the world. For the past two years I tried living the joe schmo way of working to barely survive It sucked.

I had no money to do anything socially, barely had food to feed myself and hung onto my apartment by turning everything I made over to the landlord. I thought that that was how life was supposed to be lived clean.

Honest, hard work which would bring its rich rewards later on in life.

What a horrible lie I was led to believe in order to justify the limitations of others who clung to this and then passed it on to me. A life of limitations with no valid foundation of reasoning to support itself. The sad pathetic reality I waded through daily, desperatly trying to convince myself that this was all that life could ever offer.

When I went into Detox for my last and final time I had already made the decision that I was not going to use again.

I was in Detox with 20 other people.

The rehab had about 200 or so people.

The outpatient facility had a revolving door of about 250 people.

Out of roughly 470 people I was the only person that stayed clean.

I was the only person that did not fall prey to the statistics that forwarned that most of us would not stay clean .

I beat the odds.

Determination.

I made the decision that my life was going to change and it did. The gritty determination that fires my spirit has never allowed me to settle for something for too long. Especially beliefs that hold no weight in reality.

The past few days I have been feeling a bit scared of what the future holds. Wondering if I should just abandon this whole idea and get a boring old J.O.B and settle for a life of limiatations.

But I cant.

My determination to succeed within the framework of my own evolving definition of success will not permit me return to what I have known. I know that in someway, somehow as long as I continue to push forward I will get what I want.

I just need to discover what it is I am chasing because only then will I be clear on what it is I am after. When I reach the light of understanding of my desires the fears that try to keep me stuck in the dark.will no longer have the power to grow.

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